One
of my apartment mates, who is far more outgoing than I've ever been, has made
very good friends with the people who live above and below us. She goes over to
eat meals and watch movies with them relatively frequently. I've always been invited, but rarely go. One
day just after the big snow storm, I was invited to go eat breakfast, and
bribed with bacon and a meal I wouldn't have to cook, I relented. One neighbor
asked me why I didn't join them more often, to which I replied "I'm not
very good at being social." He sort
of laughed and told me that it wasn't that hard. My reply: "You'd be
surprised."
Before
I go on anymore, I want to make it very clear that in this post I am only
talking about myself. Anytime you try to split billions of people into only two
categories, there are going to be variations in those categories, and some
pretty extreme variations are possible when you're talking about literally half
the world. Some people might understand
where I'm coming from, feeling similarly-- and others are going to think I'm
absolutely insane. Either way--
Here's
the truth of it all. Every single social
interaction I have drains me some. Every
single one. Even if it's a simple hello with a stranger on the street. Even if
it's a three second conversation with my best friend. The trick, I've learned,
is to just make sure not to let people see that it's draining. For the most part, people don't like to think
that they are being a burden.
Most
of the time, they aren't. I willing
allow myself to be drained to do things with friends and family and other
events that I believe will improve my life. I push myself to interact with
people because it is very hard to get by in life without talking to anyone at
any time. I push myself to be around a
hundred strangers for once in a life time events like seeing groups who barely
ever go on tour, and standing next to the red carpet during movie premieres.
(Although for that last one I was forced to abandon my spot near the railing
before anyone good came around, because I just couldn't take it anymore.) But
it takes a lot, a whole lot just to follow a day to day routine. With people I
love and trust, it could take a day or two to drain me completely. With people
I don't know, don't trust, and/or dislike, it can take as little as an hour.
When
I'm running on empty, I go through three very distinct stages; Quiet, Loud, and
Bad. Quiet comes first, and is actually a stage I enter relatively frequently.
As you might assume, I get quiet. I don't participate as much, and I will even
physically curl in on myself, crossing my arms, and tucking my chin down so I
don't have to look people in the eyes.
If I am sitting down, I'll pull my legs to my chest. It's around then that people start to ask me
if I'm alright. A headache makes for a
good excuse for my silence, and a way to remove myself from the situation. It's a good first stage and makes for a
strong warning for what is about to come.
That's Loud. I get angry, and
then I get loud. This is usually
accompanied by yelling and slamming, whether that is things on a table or my
bedroom door. I'm not a fan of this
phase, and I am most certainly not proud of it.
It has led to me yelling at teachers, bosses, and even worse, best
friends and family members. When I was
younger, my mom had a name for this stage, though I don’t know if she realized
it. She named me "Addy" as in
attitude, and would say things like "Tell Addy to go to her room and she
can come back out when she's Rebekah again." But even still, Loud tends to
get me sent away or causes people to leave me alone. I almost never get to Bad.
Bad,
much like Quiet and Loud, is named for what it is. I don't like who I am when I get to Bad,
which has only happened three times in my memory. I do things I'm not proud of. I react in ways
I shouldn't, and I think thoughts that are not good for anyone. You'll forgive
me for not elaborating, I hope, because it's hard to think about and even
harder to explain.
I
guess the point that I'm trying to make is: Yes, it can be very hard to be
social. There are people, or at least
me, out there who find it very difficult to do something as simple as sit down
and have a conversation over a meal, and they aren't necessarily able to
explain exactly why it is so difficult for them. Keep in mind that they are
keeping watch over their own energy stores, and when they want to flee, please
don't keep them trapped, not if you can help it. No one likes to get close to Bad.
<3
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