It’s like playing in the
ocean. On the level, the water is around my waist, and there are some great
waves coming in. I’m jumping over them, diving under them, laughing, and having
fun. It’s something simple, and it's excellent.
Then the water level drops,
waves aren’t challenging to jump over, and diving is no longer an option, and
yet, I’m having more fun than I was before. The people around me don’t
understand why I’m so happy, and to perfectly honest, I don’t know either. I
know that I probably should be concerned, but I don’t look a gift horse in the
mouth, because I prefer this to the alternative.
But the alternative comes
anyway. It’s like a wave completely over my head. I've been swimming since I
could walk and I am a strong swimmer, but suddenly I'm drowning. A small voice
in the back of my mind remembers all the rules to follow, and reminds me that
I've done this before, but the loud forefront part of my brain is panicked and
refuses to follow the rules. I’m sure
that this is worse than the other times; this time I am going to drown. I make promises to myself, things I'll do if
I can get my head above water again, promises that will fade away to nothing
once I can breathe again.
And I always do breathe
again. The waves pass, and the water settles on the level again. No one has noticed how bad that almost was,
or if they do, they don't say anything.
I feel normal again, and I'm too embarrassed to admit anything had
changed. And every time, I hope the
water won't drop again.
<3
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